The Gift of Failure
Last night I attended a speaker series in Newburyport
with the author of the NY Times best seller, The Gift of Failure: How the
Best Parents Learn to Let Go So their Children Can Succeed. Jessica Lahey is a NY Times columnist,
author, parent, and teacher.
She
spoke about how important intrinsic motivation is to a long-term creative
endeavor (Education) and how to help children to become intrinsically
motivated. Three things are needed for
children to become intrinsically motivated; autonomy, feeling competent, and
feeling connected.
Jessica explained
that an autonomy supportive parent is empathetic and listens but lets the child
try for him/herself before stepping in.
She explained the difference between competent and confident. Confident is a more general feeling about oneself,
whereas competent is specifically born out of actual experience. Parents often do not allow children to build
competence because we do not want them to fail or feel pain. Carol Dwek focuses on a growth mindset, where
individuals are able to focus on the hard work that is needed to achieve. Our job is to help support children to gain a
growth mindset. Finally, Jessica spoke
of connection. She said it is important
for children to know that the people around them will care and support them no
matter what. If we provide children with
these three things we are helping them to succeed in life.
Ms. Lahey told parents that “being a good mom is helping
your child develop strategies rather than solving their dilemmas”. I highly recommend this book to parents. This was a great lecture and looks to be an
insightful book.
